Amidst the heavy weight of Haiti, the stars manage to trickle out in the rain for the Hollywood Foreign Press – rumored to be a bunch of easily-bribed old biddies – and the supposed precursors to the Oscars known as the Golden Globes.

Here is my Glass Half Full/Half Empty take on the rather tedious and underwhelming affair.

GLASS HALF FULL:

Rikki Gervais is hosting. Great anticipation.

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

Rikki Gervais talks about his penises, a small penis and an even smaller hand that makes his small penis look large by comparison. Anticipation replaced by Dread.

GLASS HALF FULL:

Mo’Nique takes first win of night for Best Supporting Film Actress in Precious. Gives genuine and heartfelt acceptance speech.

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

Gabourey Sidibe does not go on to win Best Film Actress for Precious. Sandra Bullock grabs it instead for The Blind Side. Oh, and those legs…

GLASS HALF FULL:

Toni Collette wins Best TV Actress – Comedy or Musical for United States of Tara. Go Aussie Toni!

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

Diablo Cody, creator of United States of Tara posts this on Twitter immediately after. diablocody : “BTW, I’m at home watching. No tickets for writers/exec producers unless the whole show is nommed. Fine by me. #nachos “

GLASS HALF FULL:

Michael C. Hall wins Best TV Actor for Dexter!

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

A bunch of actors with strange beards caught in the audience. Is that Walt Whitman I see applauding in corner? No, just William Hurt.

GLASS HALF FULL:

Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner win Best Screenplay for Up In The Air.

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

Only one writing category – originals and adaptations clumped together. And Rikki Gervais making more lame jokes about how writers would be nothing without actors who have the much more important job of looking good while delivering a line.

GLASS HALF FULL:

Chloe Sevigny wins Best Supporting TV Actress for Big Love!

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

MATT SAYLES/AP PHOTO

She gasps and moans about man escorting her on-stage who stepped on her train and ripped her silly dress.

GLASS HALF FULL:

Martin Scorsese wins the Cecil B. DeMille Award. Yay. Go Marty! Moment of glory.

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

Introducing his pal and colleague for the award, Robert DeNiro says: “Marty eats, drinks and sleeps film. I hear there are videos on the Internet of Marty having sex with film.” Moment of glory gone. Replaced instead by image of Marty humping reel of film.

GLASS HALF FULL:

Meryl Streep wins Best Actress for her role in Julie & Julia. Well-deserved.

GLASS HALF EMPTY:

She wants to be called T-Bone.

GLASS HALF FULL:

Julia Roberts drops the best line of the night: “Let’s wrap this up!”

GLASS COMPLETELY EMPTY:

Dances With Smurfs wins Best Film. And James Cameron gets on stage feigning humility and sporting Helen Mirren hair-do.

Sheesh.

Agree? Disagree? Any other glass half full/half empty treats you’d like to mention?